I have been thinking a lot lately about what a psychologist said from Craig Hospital (my rehabilitation Hospital) that someone with an accident like this usually takes about nine years to mentally accept the change. Well, it has been seven years and I'm still not there. I know that I can live with this accident, but it is definitely hard to accept. I continually think about my "other life" and the things that I enjoyed doing. I would often go on runs to clear my mind and relieve stress or I would go play basketball to be with my friends and just enjoy the time. Now I am in the position where I really can't do any of the things I enjoyed before. I am trying to learn new things to do but it is definitely difficult.

Another thing that I am struggling with is accepting what I look like now. It is a definite change from before. I am still 6 foot 4, but only 5 foot 10 in my chair. I miss exercising, and just getting out and enjoying physical activities. Watching and participating are definitely two totally different things.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining; because I do have a great life. I have a wonderful family that takes care of me 24/7 and great friends that keep life interesting. There is no way that I could be where I am or have the attitude I do without the special people in my life.

I am definitely growing spiritually and learning new things about the gospel because of my situation. I know this life isn't just about running or growing physically but it is to come closer to Christ. I don't speak a lot but I do like to share what I can with those I can to help put a better perspective on life. It is amazing that it takes such a huge intervention in life to take a good look at what is important. Like the Scriptures say it is better to turn to Christ without such intervention but, it is good to turn to Christ anyway we can.

I cannot be thankful enough for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the perspective it gives me. Knowing that this life is not the end give me peace of mind. I know that I can return to live with Jesus Christ again through His mercy and grace. Perspective is key. Perspective of life, perspective of eternal truths and perspective of our actions is what we can hope and live for.

"Man this guy is a lot faster than I thought. But I can beat him." I remember thinking. Then coach yells out, "You're not supposed to be running them that fast." Lights out.

I wake up to the alarm going off and realize that I'm already going to be late for my third day of class. I rush and make my bed, brush my teeth and head out the door running to the gym. I rush and change my clothes to the shorts and shirt provided by the guy in the cage. I rush out and see the rest of the class already starting in their drills. Coach tells me to run a few laps to warm up and then get in line and run the drills with the rest of the class. We practice our passing, dribbling and shooting. Finally, a fun class. The first one in my college career. Up to this point all I have been focused on is just getting the requirements out of the way in order to graduate. This was going to be a fun class to play the sport that I love. More shooting, dribbling and running; kind of stacking up the competition at the class progresses. It's only the third day of class and only new one or two of the other students. More shooting, running and sizing up the competition. It was an early class so it would be nice to get some exercise and for the day. With the class nearing an end Coach lined us up on the baseline in order to run sprints. Suicides. Lines. Or whatever you call running to the free-throw line back to the baseline; and a half court and back; then to the office the free-throw line and back, and finally baseline to baseline. We hear the whistle blow and I've done these a thousand times so I know that I can run them pretty quickly. By the half-court and back is me and another guy running neck and neck. We reached the opposite baseline and now we are both in a full-court sprint to reach the other side. But about the free-throw line I got one too fast and fell forward to diving into the baseline wall headfirst. Not feeling anything just blacking out.

Forever and a Day

I know this has been a definitely a long time since I've written. I have had several promptings to write in a journal but just have not. I don't even think I've written anything really on this blog but I do want to start fresh. Well not fresh, but start again for myself. I can't appreciate enough the love my friends and family have given me to help me through this accident. It has been almost 7 years since my accident and I have continually received love and support. My family especially has been the biggest support living with this accident. Things have been going well, I have graduated from college with a Bachelors in marketing. I have been using this to help my family businesses.

Sometimes I feel that this accident has really helped and benefited others. I have done several firesides and many speaking opportunities; hoping that my message will at least help a few others. Then sometimes I feel that when problems arise it is my fault. I know though that it isn't, it is just life. I do miss some of the opportunity that I missed out on being paralyzed. I know I'm just paralyzed and not contagious, but I still miss a lot of things the same. I know that with the Lord's help I can accomplish anything. I just need to accept my accident and do the best I can.

It's interesting that even though it will be seven years in May I still feel like it is a brand-new accident challenging me every day. Oh sure, it has gotten easier in some ways; understanding that I'm pretty much stuck in the chair and other things. But other days, it feels like I'm back in the hospital trying to convince myself that things will get better. I'm grateful they have, I'm grateful I am out of the hospital, I'm grateful that I don't have to be permanently in the hospital and I'm grateful for my family that have sacrificed so much to take care of me. I know it would have been a lot easier to put me in a nursing home or other facility and I'm just glad my parents and family have sacrificed for me so I could have a "normal" life. Normal as possible that is.

I'm also definitely grateful for the friends I have made and their influence and sacrifice for me as well. It is interesting though some of the friends that I have lost because either, they were or I was, too scared to do anything about it. What I mean is either they were too scared to accept me now for who I am or that I have not been as good as a friend as I should be.

It is one of my goals this year to keep up with this Journal so that I can look back and have something to see how far that I have progressed, spiritually, emotionally, and any other "lly." This is at least a start.